Assisting a Parent with a Move

This is my home and I'm not leaving. I can take care of myself and that's final, says your father emphatically, after you quietly suggest that you want to take him to visit an Assisted Living Community. But, the signs have been creeping up for weeks: your dad left the stove burner on for two days; and there are unused medications on the bathroom counter. How many times has this scenario played out in families? When it occurs, everyone is frustrated. At first nothing may happen, but one or two frightening incidents may convince everyone that a change must be made

What do you do?

Any change involves the differing attitudes and values between the parent(s) and the child(ren). Also important is the relationship you have with your parents—the one you had as a child and the one you have now. Asking a parent to let go of control in his life will be tough. Going from independence to dependence is an emotional journey that may bring out fear, anger and depression. There isn't one solution that will work for every person, but here are some ideas to consider when convincing yourparent(s) it's time to make a change.

♦ Plan for the future.
Know in advance that it will take several "little discussions" to get used to even hearing about a move. Even if your parent doesn't seem to listen, they are registering the idea.

♦ Present the plan in an optimistic, honest, adult-adult manner.
Go over logical reasons for the move. Remind them that they do have the option of moving elsewhere if they don't like it.

♦ Use your best sales technique.
Point out the disadvantages of staying home alone and the advantages of moving. List some of the perks; like safety, companionship, and security. Talk about the benefits of not having to maintain a home and yard, or cooking for themselves.

♦ Be very patient.
Reluctance to change may be seen as pure stubbornness. Remember that you are dealing with a huge life change; especially for the parent who is moving. Keep reiterating the practical reasons for the move. Also, remember to ask and not demand.

♦ Give your parent options.
Ask questions about the type of place or locale your parent wants to live. Such as, "Dad, would you rather be in 'Place A' closer to Uncle Bill or in 'Place B' with a view of the mountains?" Let the locale be their idea as much as possible.

♦ Use humor.
If appropriate, make the move sound like an adventure.

♦ Ask for professional advice from your parent's doctors.
Parents often place more value on what their doctor says than what their family says.

♦ Enlist the help of trusted friends.
A minister, rabbi, attorney, neighbor or other family member, can help greatly in the decision to move. Ask them to support to your parent and offer encouragement for the move.

♦ Give assurance.
Let your parent know that special personal items will be included in the move. Assure them that everything else will be carefully taken care of (packing, moving, selling items, etc.) They may feel like you are simply leaving them someplace unfamiliar to make life easier for you. Let them know this is a loving decision that will extend and better their life.

♦ Listen.
Be clear that your parent's opinion matters as well. Opposition to a move may simply be fear of the unknown. They may be reluctant to leave a garden they tended for years or a house that they painstakingly restored. Let them know you will miss those things too. Perhaps, make a memory book of the home and gardens with photos and descriptions of projects, etc.

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